I have this constant need to feel frantic.
Generally, my innate desire for panic is satisfied by a never-ending to do list, multiple jobs and year-round status as a full-time student. But in an odd breach-of-character, I decided to attempt to reduce my feelings of impeding doom/perpetual exhaustion. I quit 2 of my 3 jobs (leaving me with only babysitting–which, I must say, is a divine occupation), and made the rational decision that instead of going to school this summer, I should “take some time off” before my time-consuming clinical classes start in the fall. “It will be relaxing”, I told myself. “You’ll feel so GOOD.”
I was wrong.
I have outsmarted myself. Realizing my innate need to feel rushed and hurried, I have spend the last 5 days (the length of time I have been back from Colorado) panicking over small, unimportant things. I have organized my apartment 3 times. I have vacuumed twice. I have begun fun-but-needless apartment-decorating projects. I have made pages and pages of lists outlining my plans for menial tasks (like “clean the refrigerator”: Wake up, get out of bed, get dressed, eat food, brush teeth, wash face, open fridge door, remove icky food, close fridge, place icky food into compost or trash, open dishwasher, place icky food containers into organized rows in the dishwasher, close dishwasher, run dishwasher, ignore noise, smile, feel proud of productivity-check!). I have discovered an addiction to making quick, assertive pen-marks through completed tasks. It makes me feel accomplished, and also like my blood pressure might recede to a normal level.
I am attempting to channel my need for panic into productive areas of my life (like packing for my trip!) but it seems to be a little premature–I’d pack my clothing, but I should probably wear clothes between now and my departure date. I should also probably use my toothbrush/contact fluid/mouthwash/soap/shampoo. There is, however, one thing that I have packed, that I don’t plan on using before get-out-of-town day:
And this is why medicine never fails me.